


Illumi is Not a Traditional Love Interest

by Bratty



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Assassination, Chapters Won't be very long, Conditioning, F/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mild Gore...eventually, Mild Sexual Content, Mildly Dubious Consent, Other, Reader Is 16
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-13 06:36:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11754138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bratty/pseuds/Bratty
Summary: It is your duty to be as prepared and professional about this engagement as you can be, if you hope to one day become a lawful Zoldyck.(Or a collection of situations and scenarios concerning Illumi's bride to be.)Under revision before I continue!





	1. Essential Backstory

It was an unconventional arrangement indeed. Engaged at sixteen, to a man eight years your senior. 

Illumi Zoldyck was your betrothed, and he had been so since the moment you were conceived, and maybe even before you were developing within the confines of your birth mother's womb. You were bred to be a Zoldyck. As soon as you were able to crawl, the family of elite assassins took you in and mentored you as one of their own children. It was entirely justifiable, in everyone's eyes, including yours. Whether born into, or wed into, a Zoldyck must have what it takes to be a killer. You were treated no different. 

Jobs came and went for you, just as it did for any Zoldyck. You occupied space in the Kukuroo home, and as an honorary member of the family, as well as an extra mouth to feed, you had to abide by the traditions and expectations of your soon-to-be family. That, of course, included assassination. 

Soon-to-be wasn't a term you were fond of. From your perspective, you had always been a Zoldyck. You had the skill, the stamina, the status, the drive. The only thing you lacked was the title. The surname you so longed, and worked tirelessly for. It was alright, though. Once your training was complete, that is, once you could properly hold your own against your fiancé, you would take the name for yourself and abandon your wretched biological ties. It was a day you would wait patiently for. 

Each member of the family was unique, and as such, you had strange bonds with your lawful siblings and parents and grandparents and great-grandparents. Milluki was, by far, the brother you enjoyed to spend most of your time with, even if he was gross, and pathetic, and immature. Illumi was constantly out and about, and because of your dedication to your training and development, you were unable to follow, as you knew you would only slow him down at this point in time. So Milluki filled in the gaps your intended left, albeit not very well, providing you with swell company and pleasantly wasted time here and there. After all, he was the closest to your age. 

Killua never stuck around you much to begin with, and you never minded. It wasn't to say that he was a bad kid. You were just a tad too older than him to properly get along with him without treating him like a little child, as you did Kalluto, so although you were on good terms, you weren't particularly close. And besides. The rebellious nature of the pale skinned youth rubbed you the worst way. What you wouldn't give for Illumi to be in his shoes, to be the rightful heir of the Zoldyck family. 

Kalluto was mature for his age, but reserved, compliant, and a little sadistic on the down low. Obedient to the core, for sure. You tended to take it easy on him, preferring to not bark commands at him and hold him to impossible expectations. The kid could fend for himself, and he was as strong as any other Zoldyck. But he was still just a kid.

Your in-laws were strict yet kind, tolerant, but only when you were at your best within the household, which was most, if not all of the time. Silva was the perfect father figure, and you respected him wholeheartedly. Strong, pensive, levelheaded, all qualities of an honorable man. To disappoint him would stir guilt of the highest degree within you. Kikyo was a fair maternal figure, capable of not only teaching you a few things in the assassination portion of your training, but also a thing or two about becoming a wife and, later, a mother. A respectable woman in her own right. She was your closest mentor.

Illumi himself wasn't a chore to spend your time with. The relationship the two of you had forged from the fires your families had arranged was a bit on the professional side. There was no hostility between the two of you, but there wasn't any traditional affection either. Illumi was a beautiful specimen, tall and lithe with long, sleek black hair and expressionless eyes. You liked to recall a time where his eyes held more than an endless void. Nowadays it seemed as though you could fall right into the chocolate orbs and never be seen again. 

He was as weird as he was ruthless, and powerful like no one you'd ever admired. There was no doubt in your mind that there were stronger characters in the world. Illumi, though, was different, in a way you couldn't exactly describe. 

Cruelty became him. It was hard to spend time with him if one was faint of heart and mind and soul. You recalled a period of your life in which you were unable to be in his presence and not have your feelings hurt, and your head messed with. You have since hardened enough to withstand him.

As you were to be his bride, Illumi had a lot of say in how you were to be trained, in what you should and shouldn't know. His hands helped mold and shape you into his ideal partner. Silva and Kikyo made you into who you were, though, for the most part. You would be eternally grateful. 

It was a good thing that Illumi was extremely family oriented, otherwise he would have never bothered with you. In those wide eyes of his, you were no more than a child bearer, at most a worthy wife. That was okay with you. After all, in your eyes, he was nothing more than a ticket into the family you craved so much to be a part of, at best a decent provider. 

Perhaps the passage of time will yield more between the both of you.


	2. Typical Dine and Wine

Dinner with your fiancé was a formal exchange.

The rather large rock embedded into your engagement ring winked right at you as your hand extended to reach for the wineglass set in front of you. Your meal was mostly finished. Throughout the course of dinner, or the date if it could be called that, you had initiated and held pleasant conversation, mostly comfortable small talk, nothing too immersive. The room was well-lit but dim in atmosphere, giving the entire place a gloomy feel. Butlers and servants cycled around and stood by in case they were needed. 

The kimono you donned was soft against your skin, made of the finest silk the Zoldycks could get ahold of. It was welcoming, like the sweet embrace of a lover who had longed to hold you. Why, the thought of such intimacy alone was enough to kickstart your heart and make your goosebumps flare. No one could blame you. Illumi wasn't the most physically affectionate, and you had never felt the touch of another man before. Unless friendly shoulder touches with Milluki counted. Lost in thought, you fell silent. 

Sitting directly across from you was the man of the hour, who didn't help quell your fantasies in the slightest. He held himself rigidly, not unlike a robot, with a posture so perfect it was unnatural. Definitely not the sort of man a typical young lady would lust after, but you weren't typical. And besides. What girl doesn't romanticize laying with a killer? To have sullied hands slide all along your body, pulling at your hair, finger painting your skin with the highest of sins-

Not that you didn't have a body count of your own. 

"Is something the matter... dear?" 

His voice snapped you out of your reverie. The tone made it clear to you that he wasn't actually concerned, that he really couldn't bring himself to care less, but he forced the words out to put on a show. For who? Well, that was still very unclear to you. Perhaps the servants would report back to Kikyo and Silva. Perhaps the former was present somewhere, not that you could detect her nearby. 

Your best guess was that he wanted to play pretend for your sake, to keep you happy. Happy wife, happy life and all.

"Why do you ask," you hum thoughtfully, bringing the glass to your lips and taking a sip before setting the drink back on the table. Through thick eyelashes, you watched him carefully, eyes peeled in case he gave some interesting response. 

He didn't. 

"No reason. It's just that you have a weird face," he shrugged, paying more attention to his food than you, despite addressing you exclusively. You took note of his wording, wondering if he meant it as an insult, or a jab at your appearance.

You could be overanalyzing things, but you could never be too analytical around him. 

"A weird face? I was under the impression that you thought I was pretty," you tested, tone playful and light despite having taken mild offense to what he had said to you. Illumi finally looked up and offered you a practiced smile. It was too practiced, in fact. More like looking at a tense stock photo than an actual human being. "I do. Tonight in particular you look prettier than usual." There was no warmth in his words. Everything about him was so unbearably cold. "Your hair's not as frizzy as it usually is." 

More backhanded compliments. Was he simply too awkward to act natural? Nevertheless...

"I think you're pretty too, Illumi," you replied, bringing your middle finger to your tongue briefly. The same middle finger circled the rim of the wineglass not too long after, prompting a pulsing tune at a medium pitch. His head tilted. 

With your other hand, you scooped up a fork full of the gourmet meal that had been prepared for the two of you and brought it to your lips. Once you had chewed and swallowed, you spoke up again. "You poisoned my wine," you accused, a faint smirk on your lips. 

"Oh, you noticed?" Illumi was good at being impassive. You nodded. How could you not have? The smell of the wine was off by the smallest fraction, and the taste was strange, but only to tongues well-versed in varieties of oral poisons. You'd been aware since you took the first sip. He continued to eat as if nothing was out of place. "A test of immunity. You passed. Anyone else would have dropped dead by now," he mused, the corners of his lips quirking upwards just the slightest bit. Your heart fluttered. 

"Well. Hurray, I guess," you chuckled, downing the rest of the wine with as much class as you could. Now finished with your meal, you snapped your fingers. A couple of maids scurried to clean up after you as you stood and approached Illumi on the opposite side of the table. 

While young, you were exceptionally poised and proper, and you walked with one foot in front of the other. Your back arched, chest puffed, shoulders back. All of the confidence in the world was at your fingertips. There was no room for error or insecurity in this family. It was do or die. 

When you finally reached Illumi, you placed your hand upon his shoulder, to which he responded by turning his head to better look up at you from his seat. You leant down, eyes locked with his in a silent stare down. Faces close, you murmured, "Kiss me." 

And while he did as you commanded, or requested, there was no fond sentiments to back the gesture up. Just an empty, obligatory parting gift to send you on your merry way. 

His lips were as warm as any others would be, and you had to fight the urge to pour all of your passion onto him when you pressed yours against his. Passion? Definitely the wrong word. Those hormones of yours were on overdrive and you had no outlet but this kiss, which wasn't much of anything to begin with.

At the very least, he gave you this. It was little to work with but it was enough for you, for now.

Pulling away from him didn't take long. It was a quick thing, not very memorable. But whatever. Illumi spared you one last, expectant look, shooing you away with just his lingering stare. So, you sauntered out of the scene, after excusing yourself from the table, of course. A lady must mind her manners. 

You supposed a bath was in order. The heavens only knew how much you needed some, er... alone time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illumi: Tries to poison S/O  
> S/O: This is fine :) 
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Reader, conditioned to pine after someone like Illumi lol. Rip


	3. Text Text Text

Milluki was a weirdo, but he was the closest thing to a friend you were allowed to have while being mentored.

Eyebrow quirked, you examined one of his life sized figurines for the umpteenth time, even going as far as cupping one of its unrealistically soft, plastic breasts. "Milluki, why don't you find yourself a real girl? Go out on dates and not be totally pathetic," You chastised, turning away from the figure to look at the subject of your address, whose eyes squinted as he sneered at you. 

You kept your face straight, though a playful smirk threatened to break through. 

"Because real girls are shallow and hard work and expensive. Just look at you! Honestly, if all-" 

"Hey, relax, Millu, I was teasing," you flashed him a smile, and he backed off, albeit grouchily. "You take things too personally. That's why we pick on you," you reminded kindly. He scoffed. 

"Respect your elders, (Y/N), I have more power over you in this house," he boasted, attempting to be smug but failing in his own irritation. It seemed as though he was properly riled up. Your smile relaxed into a smirk. "I seriously doubt that," your tone became more mocking, and your words were accompanied by a snigger. "Even Killua pushes you around." He growled.

"Well, Killua's a-" 

"(Y/N)," called a third voice from the doorway, catching the attention of both you and Milluki, ceasing all banter. Kikyo stood with Kalluto at her side, bandaged up like a mummy and yet moving as of nothing was wrong. You straightened up and curtsied in greeting. "Mistress Kikyo," you began. "Is there something you need of me?" 

Milluki eyed your change in demeanor with amusement. "Mama shows up and your facade's gone, eh? Hah!" In the presence of the Kikyo, you squandered the urge to roll your eyes. 

"Quiet, Milluki! That is no way to talk to Lady (L/N)!" 

You shot Milluki a cheeky look, causing him to scoff and swivel on his chair to face his assortment of monitors. He shrunk back with a soft, "Yes, Mama." 

"Mistress," you tried again.

"Ah! Yes. Since you are nearing maturity, and since your wedding date draws nearer with each passing day, we wanted you to have this," Kikyo patted Kalluto on his back, urging him to step forward and hand over the gift. 

A phone, a model you recognized all too well. Almost identical to Illumi's, this phone was exclusively for communication between Zoldycks. Excitement bubbled up in your chest. It was hard not to jump for joy and hug Kalluto and Kikyo, or worse, fall to your knees and thank them, but you had to manage. Your emotions were the reason you were being held beck so much. They would get in the way if you didn't do away with them soon. Or at least suppress them. 

Your happiness must have shown, because Kikyo smiled faintly, pleased with your appreciation, before excusing herself, calling for Kalluto to follow. 

Trying not to put a pep in your walk, you made your way over to Milluki, who'd been too distracted with his monitors to witness the last few happenings. 

"Hey, uh, Milluki," you hummed. "As much as I like to spend time with you, is it okay if I-" 

"Yeah yeah, go away, whatever." 

With a big smile on your lips, you turned on your heels and made a beeline for your room.

 

Laying atop your canopy bed, you stared at Illumi's name on the screen of your phone. You'd been debating over whether or not you felt like interrupting whatever he was doing by sending him a message for about ten minutes before you took the plunge. 

-  
To: Illumi  
> Illumi.  
-

You'd be lying if you said that your heart wasn't ready to pound out of your chest. What if he was off on a job? What if you'd thrown him off and gotten him hurt? Silva would definitely kill you, if Illumi himself didn't do it first. 

-  
From: Illumi  
> (Y/N), I see you got Mother's gift. What is it?  
-

Oh. Was that it? That was a better reaction than you thought you'd get. 

-  
To: Illumi  
> Yeah, I did. Uh, Am I interrupting anything?  
-  
From: Illumi  
> No. I knew you'd try and contact me. Did you need something  
-  
To: Illumi  
> You did? Oh. I just wanted to talk. You've been gone for a while. I miss you, dare I say.  
-  
From: Illumi  
> You wanna talk? Sure. What do you wanna talk about  
-

Yikes, you didn't think he'd let you get this far. Um. Baby steps. 

-  
To: Illumi  
> When are you coming home?  
-  
From: Illumi  
> When I'm done.  
-

Sigh. Distant as always. There were gaps in between your replies and his as you struggled to think of something worthwhile to reply, not wanting to waste his time.

-  
To: Illumi  
> Do you miss me?  
-  
From: Illumi  
> Do you want me to miss you?  
-

Cocky bastard. 

-  
To: Illumi  
> It'd be nice. I'm your fiancé. You could at least pretend to love me.  
-  
From: Illumi  
> I do.  
-

....Okay. Does he love you or does he pretend? 

-  
To: Illumi  
> I love you.  
-  
From: Illumi  
> Of course you think you do. You were raised to believe it. You couldn't feel that way about anyone else even if you tried.  
-

That rubbed you the wrong way. You liked to think your feelings were your very own, even if they couldn't be classified as your standard 'love.' You definitely cared about Illumi. There was a big part of you that considered him a partner. It was a relationship based on necessity and mutualism. Give and take, so to speak. For both parties, there was something to take from it. Still. He made it seem as if there was no other option for you. It made you feel trapped in a way that was difficult to describe, and it wasn't very nice.

-  
To: Illumi  
> I don't know. Your clown friend is incredibly charming.  
-  
From: Illumi  
> Hisoka? He's not really a friend but, yeah, I guess. If you're into that.  
-  
To: Illumi  
> Acquaintance, then. And, What if I am?  
-  
From: Illumi  
> You aren't.  
-  
To: Illumi  
> How do you know that?  
-  
From: Illumi  
> Mother and I made sure you wouldn't desire anyone but me.  
-  
To: Illumi  
> You know what they say about nature over nurture, my dear  
-  
From: Illumi  
> That's true.  
> Well, then. Is someone else on your mind?  
-

Thinking it over, the answer to his question was no. You'd tried to block out thoughts of him when you were alone for years now, and it never once worked. No other person made your heart pound like he did. The need to impress wasn't there for anyone but him. These mind games with Illumi were exhausting, and often times left you feeling empty. 

It was difficult to know that while you had to worry about losing everything, he could rest easy knowing if this arrangement went south, he'd lose virtually nothing. 

No, that wasn't true. 

Illumi wouldn't be able to show his face to his family if he let all these years invested into making you his perfect bride simply wash down the drain. His pride would be damaged, and his honor even more so. Perhaps he was just better at concealing the pressure than you were.

-  
To: Illumi  
> Pfft. No, obviously.  
-  
From: Illumi  
-  
> That's good. I'd hate to kill someone for free.  
-

Cue an excited shudder. Was that possessiveness? Was it hopeful to think so? 

-  
To: Illumi  
> Even your acquaintance? I have a feeling you'd make me pay the fee, haha  
-

No reply followed. You sighed and put the palm-sized device to charge before crawling under the covers and heading to sleep. 

The conversation had left you wanting more, unfortunately for you. Subconsciously, you fingered the diamond embedded into your engagement ring.


	4. A Flashback for the Soul

Okay, Let’s wind back the clock a few years. It was a memory that would never leave your brain, no matter how many times you tried to shake it out of your mind. You were four years old, and finally qualified to take on harder training regimens. There was a certain standard you were required to meet at this age, and the desired result was staring you right in the face. 

Illumi was, in a way, your friend, despite the many times he insisted he wasn’t. He kept using words like ‘girlfriend’, ‘boyfriend’, and ‘fiance’ and at the time it was really all the same to you. In order to test the ability to repress your presence, you were to shadow Illumi as he took care of a commission. It was his job to kill. Yours was to keep up, keep quiet, and keep out of his way. It should have been simple enough for you to manage. 

It was storming. Lightning seemed to shock the landscape to the rhythm of Illumi’s pulsing murderous intent, while the thunder that followed was rapturous and never tended to stray very far from every strike of energy, much how you were supposed to perform that night. Why, if it hadn’t been for the noticeable roaring claps of the thunder and the exposing light of the rays, it would have been the perfect analogy for the two of you. 

The debriefing he gave you was quick and it stuck to your mind like glue. Of course, it was hard to forget your objective and the plans he’d concocted with how many times he repeated them to you. Your position wasn’t too far away from the home you were about to invade, or the target about to perish. It was certainly a bad time to notice, let alone point out, that his hair was steadily growing. You smiled at him “Your hair looks pretty, Illumi.” Usually, a compliment would make a person’s eyes come alive. Those swirling, black vortexes remained as dead as usual, but your smile reflected from their shimmering surface and back at you, and it made it feel as if they weren’t equipped to swallow up the emotions you projected onto him. 

Illumi, who was lithe and tall, especially for his age, stepped closer to you and put his hand on the top of your head. “Focus. We can’t afford to be caught, and I don’t need getting hurt because you’ve messed up,” he chastised. You nodded, smile turning sheepish. “Sorry.” It would be a lie to say that you weren’t afraid. Those doe eyes of his didn’t miss it for a second. He leaned down closer, hand moving from the your head down to your chin. When you looked in his eyes, they pulled you right in. You concentrated on them. He was much warmer than the rain that coated your body. 

“Are you scared?” 

“No.” You wasted no time in replying, determined to put on a brave face. Illumi shrugged, like he didn’t believe you but wouldn’t push it. “Well,okay,” he paused to turn away from you and point at a light in a cozy bedroom on the second floor of the mansion being stalked by two kids hidden behind surrounding trees. The light of the midnight sun shone its spotlight onto the brick structure. “As soon as that light turns off, we move. Stay close. Watch carefully.” You nodded in affirmation. 

The next moments unfolded in the blink of an eye. 

The instant the light was shut off, Illumi darted into action, transforming into a blinding blur in a matter of microseconds. You followed at a similar speed, incredible for a girl your age but lacking for a Zoldyck. You had a lot to learn before you could ever hope to keep up with Illumi. 

He moved flawlessly, mercilessly, gracefully, as if he were dancing an intricate ballet routined to the melody of the thudding bodies. All five entrance guards knocked out, and Illumi had barely just begun. Feet moving hastily, the best view of Illumi you had was of his backside. He had his needles in between his fingers already, and no beats were skipped between any of his movements. You, by comparison, were clumsy. Still just a rookie. But you managed respectfully, needing only a single second to catch up to Illumi once he’d stopped at the doorway of the master bedroom. There was no panting coming from either of you. Total silence. Even so, Illumi brought a long, slender finger to his lips to signal you to continue the quiet. You nodded again. Without further ado, he grasped the doorknob and opened the door, an action that was impossibly inaudible. 

Inside laid husband and wife, the former holding the latter in an intimate embrace. Neither were particularly attractive to look at, especially in the nude, as they were, but it wasn’t their physiques that ensnared your heart. It was the eyes. You had been young, and you had been inexperienced and you didn’t really understand what was happening the moment it did, but as soon as you were old enough to realize it, you understood that love like theirs only came once in a lifetime. The way they looked at each other was passionate.

You only wished Illumi had let you witness it for just a moment longer. 

Though your eyes kept up with his movements, by the time your brain finished registering his actions and the method of his madness, the man and the woman were dead and limp and bleeding, and Illumi stood over them exuding a bloodlust that made even you want to scramble away in terror. But he was looking at you now, and he was smiling. 

And finally, like a patient resuscitated via defibrillator, his eyes came alive, and his chest rose and fell with satisfied shudders. 

Out of your fright rose scalding tears which streamed freely down your cheeks. You were horrified. Shaken. You backed away from the doorway until your body hit the hallway wall behind you as Illumi collected his needles before he approached you, walking with one foot in front of the other like some sort of deranged model. Finally, he reached your trembling frame and knelt. His hands extended slowly until his palms pressed against your cheeks and cupped your face tenderly. “Shh, Shh,” he soothed. ‘You did well for you first time. You’ll get the hang of this in no time, (Y/N). You’ll get there. I can help you.” 

You nodded, even though you were afraid of the monster you were bound to, and when he tried pulling you into a hug, you pushed him away. But he tried again, and though you thrashed and resisted, he held you in place, caged you with arms like snakes. Your hands ended up pinned between your body and his in the struggle, your face smushed to his chest, and the tears continued, though any noise was personally suppressed by you in an effort to keep your presences hidden and avoid detection. Illumi held you for what seemed like an eternity, smoothing out your hair and shushing you until your eyes grew heavy and you became lethargic with emotional exhaustion, and your tears subsided. 

And that’s where the memory always ended. You reckon you fell asleep and he had to take you back home, but the trauma made it hard for you to remember a lot of the after events. 

Much to the Zoldycks’ relief, you have since grown out of your emotional sensitivity. Nowadays, after your grueling training as an assassin, you quite enjoy the kill, and can even understand the thrill Illumi feels after a job. 

So why grow solemn each time the memory surfaces?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie, what a rollercoaster of emotions, huh? At least I hope so. 
> 
> I also hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It was crazy fun to write.


	5. A Night Alone in Yorknew

There were plenty of occasions in which you were free of the Zoldycks, such as when you acquired your Hunter license, or when accompanied Milluki to the Yorknew Auction after all the chaos was dealt with. As an honorary member of the family, you were allowed to roam so long as you did your job and did it right. You were seldom in the company of Illumi during these times, but you supposed that no matter where you went, he was always with you, in some way or another.

Age was an issue when you visited bars. Not just anybody was prepared to sell to a minor. Luckily for you, picking out the greedy bartenders who could be easily bought into your favor wasn’t hard. It helped that though young, you had a certain appeal you enjoyed exploiting for your own benefit. Kikyo had taught you how to use sexuality as a weapon, how to have all of the boys, and girls, fall at your feet with just a couple of eyelash flutters and a sweet smile. It was an advantage females had over males, and it was something to be proud of, not to scorn. You were grateful for the lessons.

The place was decent enough, classy, if you will, with just the right ambiance and expensive touches to make one feel right at home. The bar itself wasn’t where you dwelled. No, you much preferred a round booth in one of the far off corners of the joint, and you occupied it all by yourself. The waitresses were instructed to bring you drinks at your leisure, though you were barely at your first glass of fine white wine and didn’t even plan on drinking much.

You were in the middle of a sip when a man joined you, and you had to fight the urge to not immediately send him away.

“Can I help you,” you asked him, putting your glass on its coaster.

“That depends,” he replied, flagging down the waitress. When the nice lady swung by, he ordered what you were having before sending her away. You quirked an eyebrow. “On?”

“On whether or not you’ll give me the time of day,” he decided.

The man wasn’t nausea-inducing to look at. The problem came when you compared him to Illumi, whose good looks were unmatched by, well. Just about everyone you’ve met so far, really. This man was a stark contrast to your fiance. He had a decent face, clear blue eyes and chocolate brown hair, along with tanned skin and a nice build, from what you could see. A good specimen by a lot of standards, however, he simply wasn’t the type of guy you’d immediately notice in a crowd. You had a certain type, and this man didn’t particularly fit the category. You could tell that he wasn’t that much older than you, either. At the very least nineteen if he was allowed to be served drinks. It wouldn’t be a complete waste of time to indulge yourself in his company. So you sent him an inviting smile and replied.

“Night, you mean,” a playful smile on your lips. He chuckled like it was just that amusing to hear, and you decided that his laugh wasn’t that unappealing. Now feeling welcome in the rather large booth, he scooted closer. He moved with a certain confidence missing in a lot of people nowadays. Every move he made was decisive, no hesitation to be found. It certainly added to his charm, if you were being honest with yourself. Nothing at all like the calculated movements Illumi made, as if he had a motive for everything he did. “So what’s your name, anyway. Usually people introduce themselves at this point,” you chided without much hostility in your voice. It was more of a prompting statement than a displeased reminder. The man flashed a smile right at you, eyes twinkling with interest and attraction. You had to look away to avoid blushing. No one had ever outright looked at you like that. Illumi’s eyes tended to swallow up light like a pair of black holes. They weren’t the type to gleam-

Enough about Illumi. Focus on the stranger.

“I’m Kenda. Nice to meet you,” he extended his hand for a shake, and you took it, introducing yourself as well. “Kenda? That’s not a name you hear every day,” you began to flirt, “it’s different. But in a good way, of course.” Kenda chuckled, taking a swig of his drink in time with your own sip. “It’s good that you think so. Maybe having a unique name will make you wanna get to know me better.” A gentle smile made its way onto your lips.

“Maybe.”

The rest of the time you spent with him at the bar was good. You had been thoroughly enjoying yourself the entire time, though as the night progressed a headache that started just as soon as the Kenda showed up became worse and worse. By the end of the night, you were clutching your head and wincing in the pain of a full fledged migraine. Kenda spoke up in concern as you recovered from a particularly debilitating wave of stabbing pain. “Hey, are you okay?” Not too much time was wasted after he’d asked the question before he was wrapping his arm around your waist and looking at you with genuine worry written all over his face.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just not feeling very well, I should probably be heading back to my-”

“No, No. Let’s go to my place, I don’t live too far from here. You can rest up there. Then if you’re feeling better, we can continue where we left off.” You had to pause to think about it. The offer was a clear invitation to spend the night disguised as a sweet gesture. You’d been having a lot of fun, though, and you had been feeling wanted and-

A hiss left you as you ceased all movement to cradle your head. Along with the pain was Illumi, at the back of your mind. He’d been in and out of your thoughts since you met this guy, slowly eating away at your guilt, and here he was again, along with a memory that surfaced whenever you began to have doubts about the impending marriage.

_Illumi loomed over you, his hair surrounding you, imprisoning you. His lips were stretched into a smile that never failed to send shivers down your spine. The memory, strangely enough, wasn’t quite a memory at all. It felt more like a reminder, embedded deep into your subconscious mind, waiting to sprout in situations like these, in which your loyalty and fidelity hung on the promise and attachment you felt to Illumi. He repeated the same words over and over again, as if to make certain you would never forget them, even if you tried._

_“Don’t stray too far from me. You’re mine, I’m yours. Family always has to stick together. Outsiders will hurt and deceive you. I’m the only constant in your life.”_

When you snapped out of the intrusive flash back you noticed that the headache had localized itself at the very front of your forehead, making it feel as if a knife had been driven right inside, the blade twisted, pulled out and sheathed back inside your brain, turning into plump much. Years of built up pain tolerance seemed to fly out the window. It was agony. You needed to get away from here. You needed to go back home

Without explaining yourself to the man who had been by your side for a good three hours now, you took off in the direction of the nearest airport in a fit of panic, leaving him with only your bill and the brief memory of you. Your legs carried you as fast as they could, muscles and lungs working together to make a quick getaway. Tears stung at your eyes as you tried not to focus on the pounding pain above. People you passed must have thought you a lunatic, but your flight response had taken over you for some reason unbeknownst to you. You supposed instinctive urges were hard to turn off once they kicked in. It wasn’t until you had ran a full ten miles away from your starting point that you realized the headache had subsided. Perhaps you just needed a good run to get over it. Yeah. That must have been it.

You doubled over in exhaustion and relief, hands on your knees as you fought hard to catch your breath. You were in the middle of some street foreign to you when you also realized that you didn’t have enough money to pay for an air balloon ticket, nor did you have your belongings with you. All of those things were back at your hotel room.You took a deep breath through your mouth and gathered your thoughts now that you could handle them clearly.

Homesickness had pummeled you like a truck. You supposed you had no choice but to go back to the hotel and pack for the trip back to Kukuroo mountain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew I finally got to finishing this. Reader has a needle implanted in her head, not unlike Killua's, if that wasn't obvious enough, and I wanted to explore the effects of it. 
> 
> Illumi will be making a special appearance in my next chapter *wink*


	6. In Hindsight, You Should Have Realized How Dimwitted You Were Being.

It wasn’t until very recently that Kikyo had decided it would be best if you lodged with Illumi. Before, she’d been adamant to keep you from even visiting his room after hours, and yet out of nowhere, she had a change of heart. Both of you had been plucked from your respective rooms and thrown together into one of the many master bedrooms littered throughout the mansion. The change was very much welcome.

 The California King you now shared with Illumi was comfortable, too. Definitely an upgrade from the series of Queen mattresses you had used up throughout the years, you noted as you laid within the confines of the drawn canopy curtains. It was late, late at night, or early in the morning, and you had failed to get a wink of sleep. Illumi didn’t seem to be having the same problem. You hoped. It was hard to tell, what with his habit of sleeping with his eyes wide open. If he wasn’t actually asleep, it would be quite awkward, so you were content with pretending that  he was soundly resting.

 There was something bugging you. As intimate as laying with your fiance was, it felt as though there was a lingering barrier between the two of you. Of course, you were aware that it was your own doing. Illumi Zoldyck was infinitely more stronger than you, just out of reach, in fact, when it came to power and skill. He was handsome. He was scary. He was manipulative. Some part of you didn’t want to trust him. Some part of you wanted to be careful around him. The truth was that you were utterly intimidated by Illumi, and it kept you from being able to get comfortable around him. It was actually rather funny, considering the fact that when you were younger, you would gravitate towards him, seeking him out constantly, wanting to be in his company every second of the day. And now? Now you pussyfooted around him persistently, barely able to be around him without being tentative.

 Even now, even being so close to him, you refused to get too close, even though you craved the affection you’d been deprived of all of your life. You refused to ask him to hold you, settling for laying side by side, stiffly, without contact. It was a sad state of affairs. Were you dooming your marriage before it even began? Were you damning yourself to a lifetime of uneasiness simply because you didn’t want to trust him?

 You didn’t want it to be like that.

 Turning to look at him, your voice reached out across the silence for him. “Illu, are you awake?”

 “Mhmm.”

 The fact that he hadn’t even take a second to reply confirmed your doubts about him being asleep. You fought the urge to chuckle incredulously, amusedly, as unsettling as it was.  

 “Good. I have a question. Will you answer it?”

 Illumi’s head turned to you, giving you a dispassionate, “Sure.”

 You turned your gaze back up to the ceiling above, shying away from those intense eyes. It took you a bit to come up with just the right words to say. Being with someone shouldn’t be like walking on eggshells. It shouldn’t be this hard to communicate with Illumi, but you made it so difficult for yourself. A long sigh escaped you as you realized that you didn’t even know what exactly it was that you wanted to ask him. The truth was that you had a plethora of questions for him, and when you finally gathered the courage to ask him, tell him how you felt, you came up empty. As if everything you had to say escaped you the second you needed to form the words.

“What do you think of me,” your mouth moved without your mind’s consent. Perhaps your heart had enough of your uncertainty. Illumi hummed thoughtfully, mimicking your previous actions of looking up to the ceiling. Before he could think about it, you added, “And be honest! ...Lately,I can’t help but feel like I’m some burden to you or something.” The confession wasn’t followed by your usual nervous laugh, nor a dismissive chuckle, because this union meant something to you. You hoped it meant something to him as well.

 “A burden? I wouldn’t say that. Recently, you’ve grown out of being an annoyance. You’re actually a lot better about it than before, now that I think about it,” Illumi replied. You huffed, irked, and sat right up, looking at him accusingly, eyebrows furrowed and lips pulled down into a deep frown.

 “Why do you always insult me? Don’t you have a shred of respect for me?”

 Illumi’s blank expression shifted just the slightest bit. It was a break in a facade long practiced, and it would have gone unnoticed by many, but not you. You’d spent your entire life observing and taking after Illumi. It was hard for him to hide many things from you. He’d looked genuinely confused at your slight outrage. Black eyes looked away from the ceiling and right at you, and you backed down, taken aback by the emotion swirling in them. You had no idea what it was you saw in those at that moment, but in your defense, you were certain Illumi wouldn’t be able to pinpoint what emotion he had accidentally given away himself.

 “Of course I respect you,” his gaze lingered on you before looking back at the ceiling. “That was a compliment. I thought it was obvious.”

  _Oh._ Your frustration with him sizzled and ceased at once. Your eyebrows were raised a bit now, eyes taking him in, analyzing him, trying to figure out if he was kidding. Of course, scrutiny wasn’t needed. Illumi was a straightforward person. He said what he meant, often times, unless there were certains situations that required dishonesty. Aside from that, his words weren’t up for discussion, as there was nothing to discuss. Illumi and bluntness went hand in hand.

For the first time in a long time, you then realized, you had Illumi right where you wanted him. Exposed to you for conversation, in the confines of your now shared room. Your body relaxed as you breathed a soft, ‘Oh.’ Your legs bent beneath the sheets until you were sitting criss cross, back hunched over as you looked at your lap.

 “Illu. Would you ever hurt me?”

 His reaction was desirable, a hum of surprise resonating from deep within his throat. “Definitely not. Family is off-limits. You should know this by now.”

Your breath hitched, heartbeat quickening. Family? Did he refer to you as family? You shot him a look of shock.

“You consider me family?”

Illumi hummed in confirmation. “We’ll be married soon, and I’ve known you since you were a baby. If I didn’t think of you as family, it’d be kind of weird, don’t you think so?”

“Yes! Yes, I do think so. Goodness, I feel so foolish,” you laughed softly, happy and relieved beyond belief. “This whole time, I’ve just. I didn’t think your feelings for me amounted to that. I don’t know why?” You shook your head. “I’m sorry, Illu.”

His head tilted a little. “For what?”

You looked at him with a small smile. “For being an idiot. I’ve been building this wall between us, thinking you didn’t actually care about me. I’ve been a real jerk to you, too, and all because I was being crazy insecure for no reason.” Yes, now you could see clearly that you’d been the cause of all of your relationship problems. For a while, you’d been starting interactions with Illumi and cutting them short in fear of bothering him, and scurrying away from him.

“I noticed. Mother said you’d come around eventually, so I left you alone. I figured confronting you would be a waste of time.”

Hah! Thank goodness for Kikyo. That woman understood you better than you understood yourself. Had this been part of her plan? You wouldn’t put it past her, honestly. It would explain the sudden sleeping arrangements.

“Well then, I’m glad me being dumb didn’t drive you away or something,” you chuckled. “Hey, Illumi? Do you mind if we-”

Without being able to finish what you were going to ask, Illumi had lifted the covers some and reached for you. A strong arm wrapped around you, coiling around your midsection much like a python, and pulled you back down so your back was against the mattress once again. The same arm pulled you closer. Long, sleek locks almost kept you tangled in place, holding you down like binding ropes. The embrace you both settled in admittedly wasn’t the most comfortable, as the definitions of the words ‘tender’ and ‘gentle’ seemed to be lost in translation for Illumi. In fact, it bordered on awkward. Still you, cherished every second, excitement filling you to the brim. For now, you’d hold the embrace, arms holding him loosely but affectionately. Just as you found yourself finally drifting off to sleep, Illumi decided he needed to have the last say in the conversation.

“Apology accepted, by the way.”

You rolled your eyes, even as a fond smile threatened to split your face in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, ImWithTheWalrus, and I've been gone because of Harvey and also lack of inspiration. But! I am loyal to this series, and loyal to the drafts I have written, so I sat down and finished this one for you guys!
> 
> Oh! And for all of you Illumi lovers out there, I have a few things to share.
> 
> 1\. A dose of Illumi from the HxH Musical "The Nightmare of Zoldyck"
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZc26k9qvQE
> 
>  
> 
> 2\. Killua/Illumi Shenanigans, courtesy of their 1999 seiyuus (If I'm not mistaking, lol!) 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KA88cpWa-w
> 
> Enjoy them, because I sure did.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been on my mind forever, lol. If you have some suggestions or requests for future chapters, let me know. I'm Not guaranteed to write about what you tell me, but suggestions will be VERY considered. 
> 
>  
> 
> Comment if you liked it. Comment if you didn't, and tell me how to improve. Dont be shy.


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